Boys need encouragement from Mom
(This column first appeared in the Oakland Tribune on Nov. 13, 2005.)CHILDREN SOMETIMES grow up to be just like their parents, even if they don't know it or want to be like them. They watch their parents as they grow up and take on the qualities they see, good and bad.
All the various relationships are important between parents and children: mother-son, father-son, mother-daughter, father-daughter. Children need both parents to teach them certain qualities necessary for adulthood.
People often say that a little girl wants to grow up and marry a man just like dad. Or the bride-to-be is warned to watch the relationship between the mom and her son before she marries him.
But what happens in divorce when one parent is not there to provide that part of the relationship that is vital to the child's growth and maturity?
For the past 11 years as a single parent, I've seen two relationships, in particular, that are difficult: moms and sons and dads and daughters. That opposite-sex relationship may be missing because of the breakup.
Parents often ask how to teach their child certain characteristics when the other parent isn't around or isn't responsible. A mom might ask, "How do I teach my son to respect me when he hears his dad bad-mouthing me all the time?"
I occasionally have to remind my son Matt not to talk disrespectfully toward his mother. If I allowed that, I believe he might someday end up treating his wife the same way.
I've been fortunate because Matt, now 18, and I can relate to what he's going through in every phase of his maturation. I have friends who are dads who I turn to for guidance. The wives of some of my guy friends have been unwitting accomplices in teaching my son the importance of hugging — by squeezing the daylights out of him when we visited.
I brought up parent-child relationships in this column two weeks ago by focusing on Emerson Eggerichs, author of "Love and Respect" (Integrity, $20). In particular, he had strong opinions when it came to moms and sons.
"It's huge as they move into preadolescence," says Eggerichs, who has raised a son and a daughter with his wife, Sarah. "Women understand how a father should treat a little girl. A mother will coach the father: 'Tell her she looks nice.' She knows what a girl is feeling instinctively. But they haven't told mothers how to react with boys. (Boys) need respect talk. 'I really respect the
way you did such and such.' 'I appreciate the fact you're going to be a man of honor.' It's an effective way (of communicating). 'You know what I love about you ...' (Boys) drink that in."
I can relate to that, because Matt loves it when I give him a pat on the back. He recently called me to tell me he got an A on an English paper, and I congratulated him and promised him dinner (the way to a teenage boy's heart).
Eggerichs says that women can learn how to relate to their sons as they become men, even without Dad around.
"Definitely. It's apart from the marriage issue," he says. "Parents often say 'This ("Love and Respect" communication skills) applies to my children.' You've got to write something for parents and children. I'm speaking to a high school group this week. Focus (a family magazine) asked me to write about 'smelly boys, icky girls.' It's love and respect between sexes at a young age. People have missed how little boys process their world. They have to understand the respect world.
"It's why boys gravitate toward male figures. Their needs aren't getting met elsewhere."
That's why it's important for boys to be involved in such activities as Boy Scouts and team sports.
And Eggerichs had a stern warning for moms "emasculating" their sons by trying to keep them from normal male tendencies.
"Mothers instinctively care for their sons," he says. "When the lightbulbs come on for their sons, women understand. They know their little boys are good little boys. But if they keep going in that direction (to think like a woman and not as a man), he's going to be divorced."
I try to give my son a strong male influence and tell him what I think is right and wrong about certain issues. But he hears with his eyes, too. He's watching me to see what choices I make.
Who would he learn from if I wasn't around?
Doug Mead has been a single parent for 11 years and lives in the East Bay. You can e-mail him at doug@parentingsolo.com.
posted by parentingsolo @ 9:06 AM
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