Searching for truths on their own level
(This first appeared in the Oakland Tribune on Nov. 13, 2005.)LIKE THE OTHER 350 participants at a recent Christian writers’ conference in the mountains above Santa Fe, N.M., I was there to land a book contract with a publisher.
I took classes on contract negotiations, picking an agent and pitching a book to editors. I was happy that three publishers asked me to send them my manuscript. Mission accomplished.
What more could I get out of the five-day conference? Plenty. When I failed to get a spot in a class called “Get Published Now!” I was irked at having to settle for my second choice,“Writing for the Post-Modern World.”
But a funny thing happened on my way to sulking in class. I learned something. The teacher was Jerome Daley of North Carolina, a post-modernist who calls himself a life coach. He was engaging and challenging, but most importantly he let us class members share our experiences about our relationships with people who are in their 20s and 30s.
Most of us were baby boomers trying to better understand the post-moderns. And many were like me, the parent of a post-modern child, my son Matt being a freshman in college. These are people who dress, speak and communicate so differently than we do.
Last summer, I wrote in this space about what it was like to watch Matt walk away from his faith after spending 17 years, some 765 Sundays, in church. Talking about truth is sometimes exasperating with a teenager. And finding relevance in my world is probably just as difficult for him.
I have a heart for this generation because I’ve seen the devastation of divorce on a culture that didn’t ask for their parents to split up. I was the son of parents who were married for 54 years. My son may never know what thatFor lack of a better word, this generation is pissed at the lot they’ve received, and they’re not going to take it any more. They look at my generation and the one that preceded mine, and they want more out of life than they can comprehend in a 70-hour work week, a BMW in the driveway and a $4,000 mortgage on a house in a yuppy neighborhood that requires that 70-hour work week to keep it. Relationships? Who’s got time?
kind of commitment looks like.
The post-moderns want something that us old-timers failed miserably on: community, reliability and authenticity. Until we realize our failures, we may never get more than a cursory “hey” and “see ya.” For many adults, it may take a sincere apology for our actions and a change of course in how we live our lives before we can rebuild those relationships.
Do we have the guts to say, “Son, I’m sorry your mom and I divorced and caused you so much pain. Can you forgive me?” More importantly, can we hold it together while they watch and see how genuine we are in wanting a real relationship? Canwe take legitimate steps in trying to understand this generation, instead of trying to change them into replicas of us?
Can you blame them for being mad at our generation? Can you blame them for not being respectful of others or not being able to communicate on a level that doesn’t include yelling and screaming? Can we blame them for wanting instant gratification?
Can we blame them for their famous line “Whatever,” in response to something they see as injust? “Whatever” is their indifference to what they see as hypocrisy from us.
“Don’t talk to me with that tone. You will respect me ‘cuz I’m your dad.” Aren’t you the same dad who used to yell at my mom?
Oops. My bad.
Until we can hunker down and reach them at their level, we’ll never understand this next generation. It isn’t our job to change them into what we think they should be, it’s to help them find their purpose in life, in their own way.
After the conference, I have renewed hope in reaching my son in a meaningful spiritual way. But it’ll have to be on his playing field. He probably won’t find the meaning of life in the four walls of a traditional church. He may find it in a coffee shop or in a city park with others his age.
Who knows, maybe he’ll invite me into his sanctuary.
Doug Mead has been a single parent for 11 years. You can e-mail him at doug@parentingsolo.com.
posted by parentingsolo @ 5:15 PM
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