Some kids haven't recovered from hurricane
(First published Feb. 5 in the Oakland Tribune.)I woke up at 5 o’clock to make breakfast for our roofing crew. As I entered the church and turned on the lights, I jumped a little. Jerry walked in right behind me. “Hey, what cha doin’?” as if this were an everyday coincidence.
“Jerry, what are you doing here at 5:15 in the morning?” I asked, sleepy eyed. “I stayed up all night,” he responded proudly, in his thick Louisiana accent. “I don’t want to go home. I’m staying up all day.” In his hand was an energy drink bought at the corner market that opened at 5 a.m.
Such is the life for Jerry, which is not his real name. My church, Cornerstone Fellowship in Livermore, has been sending relief teams to Hackberry since Hurricane Rita hit in September. Jerry, and his half-sister, Teri, first caught up with the folks from Cornerstone when they attended a Christmas dinner put on for the townsfolks. Since then, everyone that goes to Hackberry comes back with stories of Jerry Teri and their 6-year-old “sister,” Desiree.
It wasn’t unusual for them to be up at 11 o’clock at night on a school night. We had rules on hanging out with them, such as not spending time alone, but they had no problem quickly becoming friends with perfect strangers from 2,000 miles away.
So here it is in a nutshell. Eight people, by our count, living in a trailer perhaps a thousand square feet. The two teens’ mom lives with a boyfriend, who is the father of Desiree. The two teens have different dads and go by their mom’s last night. They have a teenage sister who has an 18-month old child. The baby’s father also lives in the trailer.
The first night we were in town, we picked up the three kids and took them to a Bible study out in the country, sort of an old-fashioned revival meeting. Desiree shared that her mom is mean to her, and that she drug her down the stairs once “and so I got this pink cast on my arm. She lives in Texas. My daddy took me away from her.”
That was the tamest of the stories my girlfriend, Susan, and I heard form the children in the ensuing week. It’s no wonder the two teenagers want to get out of Hackberry and come live in Livermore. For all they know, Livermore is the Barstow of California. All they know is that people from Cornerstone have loved them and it’s a feeling they want back. Desperately. For more than a week at a time. Susan and I had the feeling that when we left, had we left our suitcases open for a minute, they would have hopped in and come to California with us. Sight unseen.
For the week, we were there, I got to know the boy quite well. Except on school days (they go to school 2½ days a week because they share their school with a neighboring town whose school was ruined by Hurricane Rita flood waters), Jerry hung around the church as much as we allowed him to. We had rules about him not being at the church when we were on a roofing job around town. Our running joke was that Jerry had a knack for showing up at lunchtime. He may have been slow, but he wasn’t dumb.
I decided to take Jerry under my wing for the week, give him a positive male influence. Susan did the same for Teri. On Sunday, I drove Susan and Teri to WalMart in a neighboring town and sat in the parking lot while they shopped. Susan shared the facts of life with a teenager who had never heard them before. The basic message? You get pregnant, you’ll be stuck here forever. Learn to say no to boys. And trust me, they will be coming. She is already developing physically and she’s a cutie.
Susan and Teri became pals. We have the cutest picture of the two of them arm in arm and smiling. Perhaps a smile of relief, of joy, that she had discovered that there were nice people in the world.
Later in the afternoon, I took Jerry fishing. When I asked him if he wanted to
go fishing two days before, he immediately accepted. “I’ll get the poles and the
bait. Just me and you, right?”
Sort of. Susan took the two girls for a walk, so Jerry and I could talk. What’s your plan to get out of here? What about your education? What do you want to do with your life? He was thinking more along the lines of being rescued. He asked me point-blank to adopt him. I’d known him for five days.
He’s already flunked a grade once, and he’s a 15-year-old 7th grader. He admits he doesn’t read too well. I’m sending him a book to read and encouraging him to work at his studies.
It’s what my dad did with me long ago and what I did with my son, now a college freshman. But no one had ever taken the time to tell these two kids about life. We did it because we felt a burden for these kids. If we didn’t do it, who would?
What about their home life? What kind of life lessons are these kids learning? Why is it they want to get out of Hackberry so badly? It isn’t that Hackberry is a hick town without much to do – there isn’t a movie theater and there’s only one restaurant in town – it’s that they don’t feel safe. Yet, they felt safe with people they barely know who live 2,000 miles away.
This story isn’t to make you feel sorry for these three kids. If I told you the truth, everyone who reads this would be in tears. It’s to wake you up if you’re putting your children’s future on the line by living with someone who isn’t your children’s parent, who might be abusive. You might think “I can’t make it on my own” financially or “I have needs my kids just don’t understand.”
TOUGH! Being a parent is about making sacrifices for what’s best for our children. One of the things I like about Susan is that she holds that same value for her 11-year-old son as I do for mine. Money has been tight with me since my divorce. Getting a roommate would have helped me out a lot at times, but it wouldn’t have been best for my son. Getting remarried certainly would have made my financial life a lot easier, but it wouldn’t have been best for my son.
Raising a child in a safe and secure environment is what parenting is about. As a man, it’s my job to make my house a safe place to live. That goes beyond locks on the doors and windows. Every night of my son’s life, I want him to know that this is our home and no one elses. I don’t think Jerry, Teri and Desiree feel that way about their home.
Susan and I want to go back again, maybe in April. We want to take an even bigger group (seven went last time) next time, to fix roofs and visit old friends. And to go shopping at WalMart and to go fishing on the Calcasieu River.
Three kids are waiting for us.
Doug Mead has been a single parent for 11 years and lives in the East Bay with his teenage son. He traveled to Hackberry, La., last month
posted by parentingsolo @ 1:38 PM
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