Thursday, March 23, 2006

Ten tips to befriending a child

(Published in the Oakland Tribune on March 5, 2006)

I’ve found the secret of entertaining an 11-year-old boy for 34 hours in a car.

“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. Five passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour, a three-hour tour ... Here on Gilligan’s isle.”

Having a portable DVD player in the car for a long trip was a life saver on a recent trip I took with my girlfriend Susan and her son. And head phones! Oh. Who would have thought that a boy could become so engrossed in a silly series that lasted only three seasons. Yet every time I heard him laugh or share a scene with us, I was thankful for simple pleasures.

The wooing of my girlfriend, Susan, continued as we drove some 2,400 miles through California and Arizona to Meet the Parents. That part was easy. Susan’s dad lives in San Diego, and her mom lives near Tucson, Ariz. My mom lives in between in Yuma. We got everybody in one fell swoop.

But this trip also meant time for me to get to know Susan’s son. Susan and I have been dating for six months, and I recently got the OK to woo him, too. I had been keeping my distance from him, giving him time to accept me in his own time. I’m experienced at boy stuff, seeing as I raised a boy, now 18. But this is different; her son isn’t into sports, always my fallback. My palms are sweaty.

He’s into stuff like science, history, Boy Scouts, the outdoors and music.We’ve
made plans to go on a Scout camp out this summer. He plays drums, andI recently
went to watch him play in a concert.

My plan is to meet him at his level and look for a common ground. It’s his life, and I’m not here to change it. But there are certain things that are important for boys to know that sometimes fall through the cracks because of divorce. Teaching respect and honor for his mom are essential, in ways such as, “We’re the men, so we carry in the luggage and the heavy stuff.”

I believe in wooing a child only after mom’s heart has been won first. And there have to be rules, so here is my Top Ten list for wooing single moms and their children:

  1. Respect and honor: Boys learn honor and respect by watching how a man treats his mom. Open doors for them, carry the heavy groceries, fix things, speak with respect to her. Sometimes I just remind him how special his mom is. On Valentine’s Day, I took Susan’s son shopping for her. When she opened her card and read his note, he was beaming. So was she.
  2. Time: Give the children as much time as they need to determine who you are. I’ve known single parents who dated 4 1/2 years before getting married because their children needed that time to get to know the other adult.
  3. Affirmation: Kids want to know you like them for who they are. Affirmation goes a long way. Let them know when they do something well. “Hey, you really picked up boogie boarding today. Great job!” Thank him when he helps you with chores.
  4. Security: Every child needs to feel safe and secure in the home. No sleepovers when children are present because it invades their space. Their security is breached when an adult sleeps over. I often see children’s anger and resentment build after a boyfriend or girlfriend sleeps over when the kids are around.
  5. Discipline: You are not the disciplinarian of her children. If you see something you think is wrong, bring it to her attention and let her deal with it. In time, it’s OK to handle little things, such as manners.
  6. You’re not the dad: Let him know that you’re there to be his friend and that you aren’t there to replace his dad, especially if Dad is a constant in his life. If Dad is not a part of his life, it might be different, but it unfair to make kids choose between dad and boyfriend or step-dad.
  7. Give space: Sometimes, a mom and her kids need time alone. You must have the presence of mind to stay away. And don’t whine when mom chooses to be with her child.
  8. Ask permission: One night a few months ago, I was driving her son home from an activity. I asked him this important question: “I really like your mom. May I have your permission to continue to see her?” His answer was brief and succinct. “I don’t care.” But he does care. He now has a say in my being a part of his mom’s and his life.
  9. Lead by example: Show him how to fix things around the house, wash dishes, wash the car, wash the dog. Do them together.
  10. Have fun: Enjoy your time with mom and her kids, but don’t be a Disneyland boyfriend. Learn to have fun on a budget. Let your hair down and be silly with her kids. Here’s a great icebreaker when meeting kids: Have a Silly String fight. Then clean up the mess together.

Those are just a few of the things I'm doing for my new little buddy. I'm just trying to be a good role model, trying to fit in where I can.

Doug Mead has been a single parent for 11 years. He lives in the East Bay with his 18-year-old son. You can e-mail him at doug@parentingsolo.com.

posted by parentingsolo @ 11:11 AM

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