Children's opinions matter in dating
Published March 19, 2006 in the Oakland Tribune
"He's looking at me funny,” my then-girlfriend told me,somewhat exasperated. I looked at my son, who was 8 at the time. “She looking >looked at me mean first,” he said. “Like how?” I asked. Hescrunched up his face and eyebrows, making a scowl.
I looked at her. “Well?”I gently reminded her that she was the adult and he was the child. Don’t confuse the two.
Looking back at some of my early dating escapades, I can now laugh. At the time, it was painful that the two of them didn’t get along. It was a year after my separation and barely six months after my divorce was final 11years ago.
What issues did the two of them have? Mainly, my son just wasn’t ready forme to date. After we broke up a short time later, I stopped dating for about two months. I needed to give my son some time. And me.
What I’ve learned in 11 years of being a single parent is that parents often think they’re ready to date, and they can’t figure out why their kids aren’t jumping onto the bandwagon. Here’s an observation: Kids aren’t ready for mom or dad to have a steady introduced into their lives for at least three years. And for really painful divorces, it might take five years to accept the divorce.
How many of you have children who had a relationship pushed on them too soon by the other parent? Do you want to do that to them also?Two weeks ago, I wrote about a few dos and don’ts of dating a single mom with a son 10 years or older. One of the dos was to ask permission from the child. If the child says no, accept it. They’re either not ready for their parent to date or they just don’t like you.
Giving it time could remedy both situations. Do you really want to be involved in a relationship that has an antagonist that might be around for another 10 years?There’s a reason why second and third marriages fail at higher rates than first marriages. It might be partly because the adults rush into relationships and don’t give the children a chance to bond withthe new person.
For some children, seeing their parent date means the end of the chance that mom and dad might get back together, so they fight it. If both parents remain unmarried, that desire for a reconciliation can last for years. If one parent remarries, that parent’s time with his children suddenly dwindles. It’s normal for the unmarried parent to have more time to spend with her children, even if the other parent is constant with his visitation schedule.
If a parent hasn’t dated much for four years, then suddenly meets someone and falls in love, the child fears losing their consistent love and that this new person will interfere or change their lives. They’ve lost a constant in their lives when mom starts dating on Saturday nights and their usual movie and takeout is gone, and an unwanted baby sitter is now incharge.
Age makes a difference, too. Young kids cling to just about anyone who plays with them, so it’s easier for them to deal with someone new. Adolescents and teenagers are at an awkward age when it comes to seeing their parents date, because the kids are facing so many hormonal changes. One minute they might like the person, the next, they might hate him.
Also, kids who go through divorce as toddlers don’t seem to struggle as much with dating because they don’t remember much about life before the split. What dating cannot become is a competition. At one point in the relationship I mentioned, my girlfriend told me she felt like my son was fighting her. I realized my son wasn’t fighting her, per se; he wasfighting for me. Instead of doing stuff with just the two of us, suddenly, we were a threesome.
As adults, it’s hard to put our hormones on hold, but sometimes we have to because our children need us. My son won his battle 10 years ago, and I could sense his relief. I’ll never regret choosing my son over dating. Over the years, I’ve had time to observe dating habits. What I’ve seen with my own son was that he liked some women, wasn’t so hot about others. He liked one because she provided him with a great playmate for a few months. I’ve introduced my son to five women in 11 years out of maybe 20 I’ve gone out with. Only three relationships lasted beyond three months.
I often see single parents jump into dating relationships too soon, then wonder why their once calm child is suddenly freaking out. Put your focus on your kids, and dating will be easier in a few years when their lives stabilize.
At Christmas time, I was upset with my son when he didn’t want to spend part of Christmas with my girlfriend — known as “GF” to him — and me. “She’s going to be around for a while, son. She’s someone special to me. ”His response? “Dad, when you get past six months, then I’ll think it’s serious. Until then, I’m not going to worry about it.”
Finally he’s warming up to her. We just passed the six-month mark.
Readers: I’m looking for dating input from single moms. What’s appropriate and inappropriate as far as interactions between men and your daughters? E-mail your responses to doug@parentingsolo.com.
posted by parentingsolo @ 5:48 PM
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