Parenting Solo

Lasting friendships are special

(First published October 3, 2004 in the Oakland Tribune.)

BRYAN LEK AND my son Matt sat next to each other in kindergarten, and they've been best buds ever since.

When the boys were in second grade, our families made a mutual decision to transfer them to another private school, with the caveat they be allowed to have the same teacher.

Their friendship even lasted through Bryan's family move from Concord to Pleasanton when the two were in seventh grade. The two are seniors now (Matt at Clayton Valley and Bryan at Foothill), and often go to the movies together or double date.

Along the way, Bryan has had dozens of sleepovers at my house, and Matt has been a guest at Bryan's an equal number of times. I don't know how many birthday presents we've bought for Bryan, sometimes after the fact.

For two summers, I dropped Matt off at a golf course in San Ramon to play with Bryan. I used to have Mondays off, and I often joined the boys for a round. I got to see them laugh and giggle their way around the course, the way only boys can do.

Relationships come and go in life. Bryan and Matt have had their fights and reunions, but they are still friends because they choose to be. Lasting friendships are always special, and the Leks fit in that category for Matt and me.

Bryan and Matt have gone to summer camp together in the Santa Cruz mountains. Bryan always went with Matt on his youth group trips with our church, skiing, camping and going to the beach. Matt has been to Bryan's church many times, often being one of the few white kids in the Japanese-Christian church. One of the things I'm proudest of with my son is he has never seen skin color with Bryan, and vice versa. Sports, girls, cars and money are their bond. Laughter and video games are the bridge between their childhood and today.

I occasionally hear them talking on their cell phones, laughing. I smile when they make plans to hang out on a Saturday night together.

At one time, they talked about being roommates in college, but their college desires have since grown apart. Still, their lives are so much alike in the way they react to situations. I have often wondered if one day they would be each other's best men in their weddings. Or godparents to each other's children.

This friendship is equally important to me. Bryan's parents, Ed and Sandy Lek, have remained my friends long after my divorce (for many years, Sandy worked with my ex-wife). The Leks and I have had countless talks about our boys as they've grown up. This summer, Sandy and I reminisced about how much our boys have matured. They both shave and have acne. They're almost men now. I told her how much it meant to me that the boys have remained buddies.

More than that, the Leks have offered Matt something invaluable: They offer a stable family. I firmly believe that children of divorce need as many stable surroundings as possible, from extended family, to their neighborhood, to school, to church, sports or whatever. It is easier to replicate stability if you've experienced it firsthand. Much of Matt's life revolves around chaos, staying one week with his mom, the next with me. Ed and Sandy have shown Matt what a loving marriage is like, something I can't show him as a single parent of 10 years.

Matt gets to see how two brothers (Aaron Lek is an eighth grader at Hart Middle School in Pleasanton) interact, and how kids talk to parents when both Mom and Dad are present at the same time. He gets to sit at a dinner table with more than just the two of us.

Matt needs to see that relationships can last as long as you work at them, that they are not just temporary. Kids of divorce often see parents' lives as nothing more than short-term. The Leks have been a constant in Matt's life.

Matt told me once that Bryan was a good influence on him. When Matt tells me he's with Bryan, I breathe a sigh of relief. That's the kind of friend we all need.

Doug Mead has been a single parent for 10 years, and he and Matt live together in the East Bay. You can e-mail him at doug@parentingsolol.com.

posted by parentingsolo @ 3:29 PM